Dilemma

Me: What are you doing for New Year's?
Anna: I dunno
Me: Why don't you go to Nathan Phillip's Square?
Anna: Are you fucking kidding me? To watch Sean Desmond and Danny Fernandez? Yeah right! I'd rather stay home and watch Mom get drunk. It's more entertaining.

My heart goes out to Che

"I realize that something that was growing inside of me for sometime...has matured: and it is the hate of civilization, the absurd image of people moving like locos to the rhythm of that tremendous noise that seems to me like the hateful antithesis to peace."

-Ernesto "Che" Guevara

image courtesy of bbc.co.uk, photos by Korda

Rollin' with Rollins

So I was watching Sons of Anarchy and in season 2 the biker gang faces off a pshychotic white supremacist group that is trying to take over their home-town of Charming. The white supremacist group consists of a bunch of pieces of shit (um, what else would a group like that consist of?) and totally messes things up for the Sons of Anarchy (by raping the leader's wife which just so happens to be the vice president's mother and by  having ties with the government which then makes it hard for the Sons to get even). As the intensity of the episodes rise and so does my stress level, I notice a familiar face amongst all the out-laws and imbecils...Good ol' Henry Rollins!
He looks really scary and yet...like such a babe. NOT HIS CHARACTER! Just Henry Rollins.

.photo courtesy of: mediatriangle.com

We Make Our Own Reality

Thinking has become a disease. Disease happens when things get out of balance. For example, there is nothing wrong with cells dividing and multiplying in the body, but when this process continues in regard of the total organism, cells proliferate and we have disease.
      Note: The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly-you usually don't use it at all. It uses you. This is the disease. You believe that you are your mind. This is the delusion. The instrument has taken you over.

-The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3IydWlCXJ0

Kooba

  Toronto's severe bipolar weather fits are making me feel high. Humid summers and unbelievably freezing cold winters. Yesterday Val and I were doing a photo shoot down by the beach and we nearly suffered from severe frost bite...after about 5 minutes of being outside. I couldn't feel my toes and as they were defrosting the pain was so unbelievable that I was about to panic and call for help. Anyways, the shots that we did take turned out really awesome.
I'm doing this thing where I'm shooting the people in my life dressed up as their favourite characters. I was doing a modern take of Scarlet O'Hara with Val but it was so cold outside that she ended up looking like a cuban freedom fighter, which ended up looking pretty awesome/hilarious because it was so far away from the original concept. Anyways, in the shoot we were using her dad's vintage rifle and had a bottle of wine to keep ourselves warm. In the beginning (10 minutes before the shoot) we were convinced that if the police were to harass us about the weapon and booze that we'd be able to talk ourselves out of it because we don't look crazy. Fast forward 10 minutes later, the cold LITERALLY made us so crazy for warmth that we were wrapping scarves around our heads, chugging the wine and doing jumping jacks that we ended up looking so absolutely insane we would have ended up in the loony bin no questions asked. We couldn't even walk straight because we had no feeling in our toes.
Well, we got the shots, we're going to re-do them when I get back from cuba AND I'm thinking of starting a new blog just for my photos because I'm really enjoying writing in this one and I don't want to mish mash my photo shoots with my entries. So you'll have to wait a few weeks before you can view the results.
Anyways, not to brag or anything,
BUT I"M OFF TO CUBA BRIGHT AND EARLY TOMORROW BITCHES!

Comedy Night

Frequently there are comedy shows hosted at the bar.
They are very vulgar and politically incorrect and that's exactly why I think they're hilarious.
So here are a few lines from a few of the comedians.


"all old asian ladies look like yoda"

"my son was crying to me because the kids at school make fun of him that his favourite colour is pink. I asked him what his second favourite colour was and he said "rainbow." So i told him to stick with pink."

"After 15 years of marriage you learn to avoid saying certain things to your wife. Like when she puts on a hat, don't say she looks like Michael Moore."

"my boyfriend and i tried to spice up our sex life by role playing. So we went to a bar and pretended like we didn't know each other and then went home and had the best sex ever. A few days later when I saw him I was gushing how awesome the sex was and asked him how he managed to dress up like two black guys."

"I'm thinking of writing romance novels for all cultures. I had one for Islam and it went something like this...I stared into her sultry eyes, because that's all I could see. Then, as she slowly began to take off her burqua...the house was bombed."

Timing is everything

So in my last post I mentioned something about how people on the bus can also be your teachers or something.
Anyways, something really funny happened yesterday. I got on the subway (I HHHHHHHAATEEE the TTC with a passion, any fellow commuter can relate). So as I was saying, I got on the subway and there was this lady in red sitting and talking to herself, also her make-up was really intense so right off the bat I know she's crazy. Then a few stops later, another lady in red gets on and she's talking to herself as well! She's wearing a full on red sweat suit from the 80s. So then red sweatsuit lady sits across from intense make-up lady in red and they're BOTH talking to themselves. And they're the only ones wearing red on the entire subway cart. So then I thought, what the hell are the odds, that two ladies wearing red who are both crazy get on the same cart and sit right across from each other talking to themselves. Seriously, I thought that was so cool!
So my thoughts started racing as they frequently do and I got thinking about timing. Timing really is everything. When it comes to finding a job or love or even going travelling. I've wanted to go over-seas for YEARS now and only recently did the universe align in my favour to make this possible. And by in my favour I mean the end of school, a relationship and a job with no serious ties. At first I was totally bummed about it, but then again everything happens for a reason and instead of seeing that all these doors are closing, realistically they're just making space for new things. I mean, this sounds so cheesy but all I want to have one day is a cabin in the woods, a garden, a loving partner and a baby. The simple life. And yeah, a lot of people might think that I'm weird for wanting these things and openly admitting it at my age but that's who I am and what I want and I'm not going to hide it.
YET...and this is where I'm getting at. Is that if I was offered that right now, at this very moment, I'd probably decline because the timing isn't right. I wouldn't be happy because I know that there are all these things I need to do first before I can live that life.
I thought I was ready for a relationship (and I thought this many times before) and they didn't work out. Why? Because I wasn't ready. I start acting like someone who I'm really not and I start pushing people away but don't want to push them away. I'll give you an example, and I'm going to be completely honest here, I become needy, emotional, easily angry and even end up doing things that I wouldn't ever do, like being a door-mat or mean. And those things SUCK because it's not who I am at all! There's some sub-conscious fucked up defense mechanism that goes off in my brain that tells me to do that. It's like intuition tells me that it's not going to work out because I'm not ready, and then I start acting like a crazy lady because I don't listen to my intuition because I don't want to hurt the person and would rather be the one getting hurt. (Sado-masochistic? no back-bone? you decide.) And then I'm hurt for a while. And it happens all over again with the next person. I feel like one of the biggest challenges is to be aware of the fact that patterns are being repeated and to have the strength to understand that it isn't right. Anna gave me really good advice yesterday, she said that she knows that I know myself, but I have a tendency to lose myself when I'm with someone I really like. Until I can be who I truly am all of the time, then I'll be ready to share myself and not change. 
And a huge part of the picture is that that specific person needs to be ready as well.  See what I mean about how important timing is?  You have these two people who need to be on the same level and want the same things and share the same values and be attracted to each other and somehow have their paths cross. Doesn't that seem fucking impossible?! But that's life. And I feel that the universe works in ways that we can't even begin to understand. We just need to learn to accept it.
 So in a nutshell, I need to learn to be happy and truthful with myself and then maybe, just maybe, when the timing is right, someone who is just as crazy as I am will get on and sit beside me for the ride. 
But if that doesn't happen it's okay as well.

Right now.

So I have come to the realization that I am very lucky to work where I work. Yeah, maybe it's not considered "respectable" amongst people (let's face it, people don't take waitresses seriously) and maybe it's a grimy bar (it's the second oldest bar in Toronto, at over 100 years old) and the management is absolutely whack, I actually really like everyone I work with (asides from the owner and manager). There are only about five of us ( I don't really count the new kids because they barely make it past 1 month, I'm not kidding when I say that the management is absolutely fucked), but we all have each other's backs. Perhaps we're not friends because we never hang out outside of work, but while we're at work, we function as this nucleus that protects itself and each other. The bartenders always make me drinks and give me boy advice and help me restore my faith in the male species because they are all really good and awesome guys, the cooks always make me food, I always present everyone with coffee or tea and share my tips, we stand up for each other if someone is being an asshole and we always manage to make each other laugh and come up with schemes to help us get more from where we work, it's called hustling.
And you know what? It makes working bearable and even enjoyable. I would rather work where I work than have some high paying office job being surrounded by a bunch of manipulative people who are only looking out for themselves or for the best interest of the company. We work a shit job but we look out for the best interests of each other and I don't feel like that's very common anymore. I feel like the sense of commodarie is gone in most places in today's dog eat dog world.
I can come into work an hour late and no one will care, I can wear whatever I want, talk however I want and act however I want and it's okay. I don't need to put on this personality pretending I am my work, because I'm not. And neither does anyone else. Or maybe just maybe, and I hate sounding like this, but it's easy working where I work because everyone I work with is male. Guys are more simple and don't feel the need to be controlling or have something to prove (unless they're insecure douchebags...which thankfully, these guys are not). When girls buy clothes and act a certain way, most of the time they're trying to impress. Or try really hard to be accepted. And the guys I work with are cool enough to see right through that. Maybe it's just a perfect balance of testosterone to estrogen ratio and being down to earth and modest. This delicate balance of a combination has set itself through fate in this little bar on the lower east side but won't stay this way for long.
Because I doubt that any of us are going to stay there for any longer than over a year. And so I think it's very interesting that life works that way, that sometimes people and things come together at a certain time in life, for a reason. We're all trying to get somewhere or find something and on our journey we come across each other. I find it interesting that you can meet people from different backgrounds and stories and have the opportunity to learn something from them, and have them learn something from you. I think life is so crazy that way and it's important to keep that in mind. To take yourself out of your own little bubble and realize the importance of the people in your life right now, maybe you don't think that they don't play a huge role but chances are, they're in your life because they're filling a piece of the puzzle. I mean, just take a step back.
 Out of all the people and places and situations that you can be in in the entire world, you're in this particular one at this very moment. What are you learning?
Because chances are they won't stay there forever, life is fluid so are people and ideas and concepts, it's like a river. These people might be gone for a while and then sometimes unexpectedly they are back when the time is right...or sometimes even wrong, or maybe they're the person sitting beside you on the bus, but everyone is each other's teacher. Whether they make you sad or angry or happy or make you feel nothing, you're learning something.
Okay, enough with this hippy shit, I need to go buy myself some boots because it's snowing.

Peace.

Sweet and sour

Anna and I had a little spat this morning.

Anna: YOU ARE SO BITTER!
Me: I'm not bitter, you're just naive
Anna: Why can't you see the good in people?
Me: Because that's an oxymoron

Val's ex-boyfriend is SO WEIRD!

So Val and I were just chatting back and forth on facebook about Korea and our vacation when Scott decided to enlighten us. Scott is Valerie's ex-boyfriend from like 6 years ago and he's just as weird (but not as psychotic) as my ex-boyfriend, Phil, from 6 years ago who recently forged online that I graduated from the same class and highschool as him in New Brunswick (Which I didn't, he's not even the same year OR province as I am). He is also still obsessed with me and is in the military and trying to become (or is?) a cop. I am very scared just thinking about it. Ah, the mis-judgements that go along with being an 18 year old.
MEANWHILE Val's ex-boyfriend Scott is just plain fucking weird and it gives me a good laugh from time to time.
So here's the "wall" convo from facebook:

Me: NORTH KOREA IS FIRING SHIT ON THE SOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope this doesn't fuck up our plans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh

Val: WTF? where did you see this? are they firing at the South or just over them into the sea? because they do that all the time...

Val:  p.s. I kinda love how a rogue nation with nuclear capabilities is starting WWIII and our biggest concern is our vacation being interrupted lol.

Me: hahahahhahahahaha i know. so self-centred. fuck i don't care. i wanna see SOME of the world while it's still nice and then after that it's okay with me if humanity blows itself up.

Scott: ya, things are really coming to a head over there. America has sent an aircraft carrier (USS George Washington), along with a pledge of support, over there to conduct exercises with the S Koreans in the yellow sea. This is in addition to th...e 29,000 US troops already there.

China, despite urging for peace and "maximum restraint," has cautioned the US against entering the Chinese part of the sea. Also, they (China) are the key diplomatic and economic benefactor of N Korea. WWIII indeed...

It all started when the south were conducting military exercises on an island in the yellow sea and N Korea shelled them. S Korea has stated that any further attacks against the south will be met with "enormous retaliation."

  



Yeah, I know....

Truth or Happiness

I can't concentrate and it's really frustrating. I'm working on this one piece and I vowed to myself that I will finish it but I keep on getting mental fits of rage while trying to finish it and it's not doing me any good. Stupid brain, stop it! Stop it now! So on a different note, I found this poem that I wrote when I was like 15 or 16 and speaking of stupid brain, I swear to god I was far more intelligent back in those days than I am now. I think part of the reason was that all these thoughts were going through my mind but I expressed them in different ways and then 17 came along and I decided that it was a good idea to just start getting rid of my thoughts (and brain cells) altogether. I've realized that a lot of the kids in school that excelled in academics and art (or who were sensitive) were the ones always smoking weed in the park and drinking in class. I think that stupidity goes along with the intelligence territory. You want to dumb yourself down so you don't feel down. Stupid people are always happy. Anyways, so here's the poem (please don't judge, remember, it was written by a 15 or 16 year old)

Truth or Happiness

Levitation, elevation
What I seek is
No answer
but silence
Understanding
without explanation
Abused and confused
Exploring inane colourful worlds
with metallic turquoise tears
and cosmic playgrounds
An inner peace
that is able to deal with external chaos
Fulfillment
with no much to fill this room
Resolution
is supposed to lead to evolution
Yet as we evolve
there are more problems to solve
More problems to ignore
And conveniently happiness
can be purchased at the department store
On sale.

Starfuckers

I'm kind of bored today, can't you tell? Well, actually I'm more hungover from sneakily drinking too much wine at work as a result of the musical cabaret last night (lots of musicals and I HATE musicals). That, and i feel like I have lots to share.
So, about work last night, Tom Cochrane ended up dropping by for a drink. I didn't even know who he was until the bartender had to serenade me with "Life Is A Highway". Anyways, as I'm observing him and the behaviour of the stupid starfuckers I actually kind of felt bad for him.
Here he is, an old man dropping into an obscure bar in the sketchy part of town hoping to have a drink in peace. (At least that's what my imagination is assuming). Anyways, and even HERE he can't have a beer without everyone harassing him.
"Man, i grew up listening to your music." or "Hey, if you ever need a stand up bass player for your band here's my number" or "Oh, I took the courtesy of watching your beer while you went to the shitter" (NO one looks after ANYONE'S beer EVER where I work, and he didn't say "shitter") or people desperately attempting to bond over music with him or my idiot manager giving him free shots of bourbon (idiot), the man can afford to buy the bar he doesn't need free shots of bourbon! It's Tom fucking Cochrane, who the fuck CARES!? It's not like he found the cure to stupidity! He's old with a ridiculous haircut. He's just like the rest of us except rich. And what I also observed is that the men were far worse than the women. Everyone assumes that girls would drop their panties as soon as someone is a musician or actor or athlete meanwhile these GUYS are losing their shit and being starfuckers themselves. What I define as a starfucker is anyone who is willing to give up their dignity and self respect to blow sunshine up someone's ass who is remotely famous or popular.
What is wrong with everyone!? The man was standing in the middle of my server station and wouldn't even move for me when I was carrying a tray full of drinks, I had to go around him!
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I just don't get it.

Tom Petty Van Jam

So yesterday I was writing an extensive post on the crazy chain of events that can take place at times when blogger SHUT DOWN! And since I don't have the effort to re-write it, because I loathe doing things twice, I will summarize these chain of events.

I was listening and thinking and I even wrote a post last Thursday on the Wilderness of Manitoba at the River and Sky festival that I decided it'd be pretty neat to see them live again. I checked out their Myspace page and realized that they only had one upcoming show which was happening in, get this, three hours at the Horseshoe Tavern! So I went with two of my friends who can be just as spontaneous and reckless as yours truly. (Oil always finds itself). 

The girl opening for them totally blew the crowd away. She can sing, she can write and she can play a mean acoustic guitar and harmonica. Her name is Olenka, she is Polish and rad. Check her out. Seriously, your standards when it comes to musicians will be raised by 10.

Ran into a few people from River and Sky festival, one of them being Bobby. I think he's a music journalist for some magazine or something. Anyways, he shared some horrible news. RIVER AND SKY FEST IS NO LONGER! And it's all because of the Tom Petty Van Jam Session.
Allow me to explain to you what the Tome Petty Van Jam Session is. It occurred on Saturday night of the festival when everyone decided it was an in-genius idea to dance on the band vans (including the band members), set off firecrackers, pass bottles of whiskey around and sing Tom Petty at the top of our lungs. Later this escalated to running through the forest and dancing around fires and pretty much having the best time ever. But I guess the people that lived in trailers on the grounds didn't think that it was the best time ever and complained, which led to the demise of River and Sky. At least on those grounds.

So here are a few pictures from the most awesome festival because I feel nostalgic and I think that I probably already posted these a few months ago but really, who's going to scroll through all the pages when I can just present them to you right now.

the moment that ended it all

fire

Everyone was disappointed that they didn't fall

Leech city

Trippin'

Fave quotes

Three of my favourite quotes by some of my favourite people, I'm pretty sure there's a lot more, but these are all that I could think of for the moment:

1.   Ciara putting things into perspective

      Ciara: You know, I didn't really like the sound of your old boyfriend.
       Me: Why? What did I tell you?
       Ciara: Well remember, there was that one time, when you got ruffied....

2.   Anna campaigning for the safety of children

" DON"T LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE WITH PRIESTS!
 She was saying this to all the parents at my little cousin's first Commuinion...in Poland. The most Catholic country in Europe at one of the most important religious ceremonies.

3.   Val using the "f" word. (She never swears mind you)
 
Me: I think that it's a good thing that we don't have boyfriends. Otherwise we'd really miss them when we're travelling.
 Val:  Ugh, that shit is so fucking gay.

Toward a Topography of the Parallel Universe

"But most people pass over incrementally, making a series of perforations in the membrane between here and there until an opening exists. And who can resist an opening?
In the parallel universe the laws of physics are suspended. What goes up does not necessarily come down, a body of rest does not tend to stay at rest, and not every action can be counted to provoke an equal or opposite reaction.  Time, too, is different. It may run in circles, flow backward, skip from now to then. The very arrangement of molecules is fluid. Tables can be clocks, faces, flowers.
These are facts you find out later, though.
Another odd feature of the parallel universe is that although it is invisible from this side, once you are in it you can easily see the world you came from. Sometimes the world you came from looks huge and menacing, quivering like a vast pile of jelly, at other times it is miniaturized and alluring, a-spin and shining in its orbit. Either way, it can't be discounted.
Every window in Alcatraz has a view of San Francisco."

-Girl Interrupted, by Susanna Kaysen, page 5

|The View from the Inside

Collision

My generation hates your generation

Some drunkard was complaining to  me about how my generation doesn't "get it" and that we don't understand freedom and art and music and life.
My only response to this was "It's because your generation fucked it up for us, asshole."

And sometimes that's why I like working at the shittiest bar in Toronto.

Wilderness of Manitoba

Wilderness of Manitoba- November

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37Z3hAE2dhM

Saw them at River and Sky, playing around a bon fire in the middle of summer in the middle of the woods in the middle of Northern Ontario. First and only live act I ever cried to. Their music through the internet does not do them any justice to how they sound live. Magical.

One day we will all be ghosts

I can't wait anymore

 I love.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m73D1B7YhnQ

Nika+Rory - LA SUXXX (Choice)

Facepaint and champagne

get up and dance

flower child

singing sisters

birthday blues

Love is everywhere

stare at the sun

Trust Me

field

autumn foliage

woven

dungeon

Fall Right Into You

soon

Photo not taken by moi

Never Quit

Gold Panda - You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1iG0XannO4

Self Portrait

revelations and elevations

We Can Still All Be Free

 There's all this pressure and hysteria attached with approaching the mid-twenties. Like having a sense of direction and a general idea of  your "purpose".  People I grew up with are beginning to have real jobs, like being playboy bunnies and stylists and working in offices...kay, never mind. But at least they know what they want. Meanwhile I'm still um, waiting tables and all I know what I want is a car. Not even a fancy car, just some shitbox that can take me places. And I know that I want to see lots of places. And have adventures. And before I started worrying about "becoming an adult" I had all that. And I was having the time of my life. So then I went through all these old photographs of when I was care free and realized that well, my life has been pretty awesome so far and it's time to stop caring about what people are telling me to care about. Just live my life and stop worrying about useless shit like how the hell am I ever going to buy a house and have babies and a have husband and be a driven career woman going absolutely fucking insane because that shit is so unrealistic and I don't even think that's what I want but am expected to want.

So here's to all the dreamers, under-achievers and believers!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HqfOWcQ0gU

when we were free

My Neighbours

My room-mate

Tofino

16 in Trois Rivieres

Things I got nominated for

Getting around

Newfoundland

Ropeswinging

Montreal

Om Fest early 2000s

Elk

Banff

Sea to Sky Highway

Car turned tent

Brohm Lake

Leah

Roof rack

Woody

Secret Tunnel

Secret Lake

Secret Lagoon

Boat Eater

Jesus Car Mascot

Dance Party

War Paint

High Five