So in my last post I mentioned something about how people on the bus can also be your teachers or something.
Anyways, something really funny happened yesterday. I got on the subway (I HHHHHHHAATEEE the TTC with a passion, any fellow commuter can relate). So as I was saying, I got on the subway and there was this lady in red sitting and talking to herself, also her make-up was really intense so right off the bat I know she's crazy. Then a few stops later, another lady in red gets on and she's talking to herself as well! She's wearing a full on red sweat suit from the 80s. So then red sweatsuit lady sits across from intense make-up lady in red and they're BOTH talking to themselves. And they're the only ones wearing red on the entire subway cart. So then I thought, what the hell are the odds, that two ladies wearing red who are both crazy get on the same cart and sit right across from each other talking to themselves. Seriously, I thought that was so cool!
So my thoughts started racing as they frequently do and I got thinking about timing. Timing really is everything. When it comes to finding a job or love or even going travelling. I've wanted to go over-seas for YEARS now and only recently did the universe align in my favour to make this possible. And by in my favour I mean the end of school, a relationship and a job with no serious ties. At first I was totally bummed about it, but then again everything happens for a reason and instead of seeing that all these doors are closing, realistically they're just making space for new things. I mean, this sounds so cheesy but all I want to have one day is a cabin in the woods, a garden, a loving partner and a baby. The simple life. And yeah, a lot of people might think that I'm weird for wanting these things and openly admitting it at my age but that's who I am and what I want and I'm not going to hide it.
YET...and this is where I'm getting at. Is that if I was offered that right now, at this very moment, I'd probably decline because the timing isn't right. I wouldn't be happy because I know that there are all these things I need to do first before I can live that life.
I thought I was ready for a relationship (and I thought this many times before) and they didn't work out. Why? Because I wasn't ready. I start acting like someone who I'm really not and I start pushing people away but don't want to push them away. I'll give you an example, and I'm going to be completely honest here, I become needy, emotional, easily angry and even end up doing things that I wouldn't ever do, like being a door-mat or mean. And those things SUCK because it's not who I am at all! There's some sub-conscious fucked up defense mechanism that goes off in my brain that tells me to do that. It's like intuition tells me that it's not going to work out because I'm not ready, and then I start acting like a crazy lady because I don't listen to my intuition because I don't want to hurt the person and would rather be the one getting hurt. (Sado-masochistic? no back-bone? you decide.) And then I'm hurt for a while. And it happens all over again with the next person. I feel like one of the biggest challenges is to be aware of the fact that patterns are being repeated and to have the strength to understand that it isn't right. Anna gave me really good advice yesterday, she said that she knows that I know myself, but I have a tendency to lose myself when I'm with someone I really like. Until I can be who I truly am all of the time, then I'll be ready to share myself and not change.
And a huge part of the picture is that that specific person needs to be ready as well. See what I mean about how important timing is? You have these two people who need to be on the same level and want the same things and share the same values and be attracted to each other and somehow have their paths cross. Doesn't that seem fucking impossible?! But that's life. And I feel that the universe works in ways that we can't even begin to understand. We just need to learn to accept it.
So in a nutshell, I need to learn to be happy and truthful with myself and then maybe, just maybe, when the timing is right, someone who is just as crazy as I am will get on and sit beside me for the ride.
But if that doesn't happen it's okay as well.